New Ways to Hurt
by thelast.thingido
Summary: When they felt like being anything to each other, they were painful, and when they ran out of pain, they just found new ways to hurt themselves. (regina/snow) one shot. Set After Season 4 Finale


AN: I'm sure you're wondering, how many one shots can I possibly write revolving around infidelity? The answer is bajallions. The show is the one that keeps pairing my otp with other ppl besides each other. Just saying. So this is set after the season 4 finale, an AU where they don't find Emma, at least not during the course of this story. There's outlaw queen in this, very brief mentions of snow/charming. It's a similar type of story style that I usually do, but I tried to add some unique parts to it. This was written for snow queen week on tumblr.

/

 _It hurts more this way, doesn't it?_

\\\\\

They loved each other, as much as two people who hated each other could. Their own twisted way. Like rope twisted around their neck, waiting for that trap door to drop. They didn't know any other way with each other. It was dull, and boring, and numb without it. Without that hurt.

And when they felt like being anything to each other, they were painful.

And when they ran out of pain, they just found new ways to hurt themselves.

And when they lost Emma, Snow sort of lost her mind, and Regina sort of let her. Trying to find something to distract from the fact that she lost her daughter, again, and again, and there was hurt in her eyes towards Regina when she said it. There probably always would be. And sometimes it got so bad, she would beg all over again;

 _Just do it. Just kill me_.

Still thinking everything was just the princess's punishment, and not just their shared pain. But Regina recognized that look of self-loathing in her green eyes, so she tried to do that 'good guy' thing that she did now, helping hand and strong shoulder to lean on. But Regina wasn't good at comforting Snow. She wasn't good at having hope, or talking about fate and happy endings. It all felt so first drafted and full of made up ramblings. So, her comfort rang hollow, her hero's speech was as fake as it felt, and everything was just the way it was, and the way it was sometimes hurt.

Snow told her to leave, but Regina didn't trust the other woman's intentions of isolation, so instead they stayed together most the night. Just reveling in the suffering, for old time's sake.

The only thing new about this time was that they kissed, and they swore the whole town would know of it by morning. Just their luck.

No one knew by morning.

So they had sex two nights later.

New ways to hurt themselves.

\\\\\

"Does David bother you?"

Regina was dressing, picking her bra up off the floor and searching the room for her pants when Snow asked the question. Her timid tone suggesting that she cared far more about this question than the older woman did. Such an idiotic question, because there was no point to it either way. All these moral rich stories they both were forced into. It was only a crazed author making them both puppets. The only thing real was their instinct. The fact that Snow always ran towards David to get away from Regina. And Regina always ran away from Robin to get to Snow.

The fact that they always ended up here.

The former queen shrugged.

"No more or less than Robin bothers you."

"He bothers me quite a bit, actually." Snow almost whispered, and it made the other woman's movement stutter and stop as she fastened the button of her slacks. Regina turned her head slightly, not really looking at her, not really reacting, but her voice had a coldness that was familiar more to Snow than anybody.

"As I said."

"They're our soulmates." The girl kept on pushing it, kept on with her timid tones and half-whispers, causing Regina to dress even quicker, wanting out of this room. Wanting to leave and go somewhere that Snow's eyes didn't burn holes in her.

"If either one of us were meant to be happy with that, we never would have met." She snapped, finishing the buttons of her blouse and finally making eye contact with the princess.

The bright eyed child that was so desperate to be loved, and the young woman that had all the love in the world to give. They met and crashed, killed each other's light like dying stars, these two volatile chemicals that made a color dark enough to paint the sky black.

\\\\\

She had a thought. It was a recurring thought, as recurring as they were coming to Granny's Inn. They came here at different times, always Snow first, then Regina, and when the mayor entered the lobby, there was never anyone at the front desk.

She thought Snow faked her orgasms with her.

If she did, she was good at doing it. Because it was wet and tight, the way her body reacted to all the things Regina's hands and mouth could do. Open her up like a flower, melting on her tongue. It was passionate, and it was good. But it was the same. When Snow would get close to finishing, she'd make the same noises, and the same expressions. It would always take the same amount of time. David probably never noticed, but Regina was not David.

So one day, when Snow finished her show, they laid in bed, both breathing heavy and flushed.

"Has he ever made you come?" Regina asked as she stared up at the ceiling. She tried hard not to sound angry or judgmental, but Snow still tensed next to her, so maybe those tones were her natural state. "...or is it just me?"

A long time passed between them, staring at the patterns in the plaster.

"It's not just you." Snow finally said, and Regina finally turned over to look at her. Her hand snaked under the sheet that covered them, moving fingers along the younger woman's stomach, tracing the soft muscles and curves of her hips. She felt her body jerk a bit in surprise, skin still sensitive and body still aroused.

"Have you ever?" The former queen asked softly, wanting her to know that she really wasn't judging. Regina had trouble with the same thing for most her life. Though the reasons for that were different. Regardless, she wouldn't judge her for something like that.

"Yes." Just not with another person, so she nodded in understanding. Her fingers tracing the underside of Snow's breasts, watching her face and feeling her body tremor—hearing her breath shake. She was still so sensitive.

"Show me."

"What?" Snow looked over to her with confusion on her face.

"Show me what you do when you're by yourself." Then the younger girl squirmed and blushed, so Regina started to kiss her jawline, moving lightly over her neck and behind her ear. It was delightfully distracting, and Snow's brain started to blue at the edges. "I want to see you."

Because what was the point if there was only pain?

There had to be pleasure too, or else Snow might stop coming here, and Regina didn't like the thought of it. Stopping this train wreck before the crash.

How unsatisfying.

So the princess moved her hand under the sheet, settling between her legs, and Regina pulled the sheet away completely, exposing her to the other woman's view. Snow closed her eyes once she was exposed, the other woman taking note of every expression and movement she did. Taking note and making future reference.

Her fingers started to move through her folds, the sound of her arousal echoed in the space between them. The other hand that wasn't occupied moved up to cup her own breast, not really doing much with it, but more of an act of routine. Snow's heels dug into the mattress a bit, and Regina couldn't really stop herself from admiring the woman's beauty, at every ripple of muscle and every shaky inhale.

"I know you can do it, dear." The whisper was wet against her ear, Regina's sight focusing on the other woman's hand, fingers moving faster at the sound of her voice. "I feel how wet you get for me."

Snow gave out a strangled sort of moan.

"I wish I could—…with you."

"You are with me, Snow." Her head raised up a little so she could look at the princess's face, flushed and eyes that could barely stay open. "I make you feel this way."

Everything started coiling up at that, starting from her core and spreading out like electricity. Her body tensed for a long moment, a loud moan, and Regina brushed past Snow's hand that was focusing on her clit, and pushed two fingers inside her, wanting to feel her come. Inner walls fluttering and legs shaking against her. Her mouth open and a silent cry escaping. It was real, and it was beautiful.

And when the aftershocks started to subside, and their bodies started to relax against each other, Regina kissed Snow's temple.

"I'll keep you here forever."

Snow smiled and they could hear it in her voice.

"What a terrible punishment."

\\\\\

One day Snow saw it at the diner. They were in a group, and Regina wouldn't acknowledge her. The diamond on the mayor's finger was new and beautiful. Sparkling like a star, reflecting off the sun. There was no announcement from either her or Robin. It was just…there.

But when Snow met her at the Inn that night, the ring was off.

\

"Can I be your bride's maid?" Snow asked, once the afterglow grew cold in the room, the younger woman's mind still on what she saw at the diner earlier that day. She tried to sound like she was joking, but really she just sounded unhinged.

Expecting Regina to sigh, or roll her eyes, or maybe explain a single damn thing—

But no one said anything after that, not for a while.

"You were already my bride's maid once." Regina finally spoke, quiet and distant. The princess of course remembered, but wasn't thinking of it when she said it. Was even surprised that her step mother mentioned such a thing.

"You…" Snow swallowed hard. "You never talk about that." And by that, she meant the wedding, the entire marriage—her father.

Regina looked over to her, from her sitting position against the head board.

"Sometimes…you remind me of him." The former queen didn't mean it as an insult, her tone showed that much, but it still felt like a slap in the face to Snow. "In a very general sense. Certain expressions…Certain phrases…" Regina was lost now, her eyes glazed and dark, lost into that time both of them spent so long trying to forget.

Then she looked away once more, quickly clearing her throat.

"I don't like to be reminded."

\\\\\

"Does it hurt?" Regina asked, her breath catching at her own excitement, as her hand gripped tighter at the base of the strap on that was secured around her waist. The head was just barely inside Snow, as the other woman was kneeling on the bed between milky white thighs. She warned Regina, told her that she hadn't been with David much since Neal was born, her eyes a bit wide when she saw what the former queen had in store for them that night. But any first impression reservations were quickly forgotten when she felt Regina hard against her lower back, her hand moving between the younger woman's legs. So trepidation turned to Snow on her knees, because the girl always did like a show, and no one in the room was complaining.

She pushed inside the princess a little more, causing her to hiss out;

"It's fine."

Which means _yes, but don't stop._

 _Yes, but I'm used to it._

 _Yes, but I don't know anything else._

 _Yes, but I like it._

 _But I love it._

 _I love you._

Regina loved her too,

So she thrusted quick, bottoming out inside her. Stretched out her princess so the pain would last a little, because that was how they showed their love.

Different ways to hurt themselves.

And it was different, Regina having a moment of pure control that she always sought with the princess, but was never really granted.

And Snow having a moment of pure trust, allowing herself completely vulnerable to the queen, without fear of consequence.

That moment.

It was pure.

It was love.

In its own twisted way.

A silent cry twisted Snow's features, arched her back up, and the beauty of it struck Regina. As the younger woman grabbed roughly at her forearms that kept her balanced above the princess, she was struck with an image of Snow White being deflowered. It must have looked just like this.

Brown eyes rolled slightly in arousal, hips starting to build a rhythm between them before Snow could even ask her to. Each time Regina heard her groans grow more into moans—then whimpers. Her Snow White. She was hers now.

It was an archaic thought, that idea of ownership, because she knew Snow wasn't hers. They crashed together and destroyed each other, but they always belonged elsewhere. That was part of why it hurt so much.

Nothing hurt at the moment though, so they both indulged in the idea for the night. That this was where they belonged.

\

"Don't stop…" Snow gasped out the plea, her thighs starting to tremble, the moan escaping her throat started to gain pitch. Regina didn't stop her thrusts, fast and short, the mattress moving with them, Snow's knuckles turned white as she grabbed at the sheets under them. Regina didn't dare stop.

"You're going to come for me…" It was so breathless, it could've been a surprised revelation, or an order—either way it made the fire that was growing inside the princess stronger, more dense and spreading from the pit of her stomach.

"I won't stop…" They were both sore, muscles strained and their bodies shined from sweat, but the only thing that could distract them from the moment would be death itself. Green and brown eyes were matched, and when Snow would start to flutter hers shut, a particularly jolting thrust made sure she stayed focus.

"I won't stop until you come."

And she would know that Regina was the one who did it. The only one.

It wasn't the intention when they started, not to force anything that wouldn't happen on its own. But then their endurance lasted longer than expected, and suddenly Snow got _so_ close. And it set off something primal in Regina. Something _possessive_ —and she needed to make her come. She needed to have this.

Even if Regina got married tomorrow, and Snow had three more Charming babies—

Even if none of this meant anything by morning—

They wouldn't forget it. Regina swore on everything she had, she wouldn't forget what this felt like, to feel so _satisfied_ —so _needed_ —so absolutely in tune with another person. To find a moment that didn't hurt at all.

They had been in this bed for what seemed like days, their energies peaking and dipping a few times, and now all that was left was the heavy breathing and light noises of frustration that came from the younger woman, wanting the release she was so close to, causing Regina's breath to hit her cheek as she whispered;

"What do you need?"

"Faster."

So she complied, sitting up and shifting into the other woman at a slightly different angle, gripping firmly at her thighs.

The change had Snow crying out for her, and it made Regina wonder—not for the first time—if anyone else stayed at the Inn, or if this place was just a decoration given by the curse. Snow had to have gotten the key to the room somewhere. Someone must know. At least anyone within hearing range would know now, because she was almost screaming;

" _Regina, Regina, Regina_ …"

Like a mantra.

The former queen didn't mind, because that mantra was a prayer that god was delivering on, because suddenly;

The thrusting stopped. Snow's body gripped so tightly around her, legs hooking into the back of Regina's thighs, and she could practically see the stars in Snow's eyes when she came. It was so bright and beautiful.

It blinded them both for a quick second.

She fell back down to hover over the princess, kissing her as one hand held up her weight, and the other moved between Snow's legs. She could feel how deep inside her she was, causing Regina's hips to jerk and a moan was shared between them. Her fingers easily found Snow's clit, rubbing in firm circles, pushing her past the sensitivity and over the edge once more.

She could feel Snow's inner walls trying to push her out and pull her in all the same time. She could feel her coming, and Regina had never been more aroused by anything in her entire life.

They finally pulled away from each other, Regina quickly undoing the straps of the harness, discarding and forgetting it for the moment, so that she could wrap her body around Snow fully. Their limbs tangled, kissing lightly and;

"I saw God." Snow spoke quietly, as fingers ran through her hair. "She looked like you."

\\\\\

Robin announced it at a small dinner party one day. It was obviously planned, Regina not looking too surprised at the revelation, wearing her ring again and drinking generously while avoiding eye contact with Snow. So playing into her more stubborn and childish attributes, the princess didn't look at her either.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Snow asked, and a silence settled over the room. She didn't think her tone was too abrasive, but apparently it took everyone aback. Everyone but Regina.

"Well, we were going back and forth on the idea." He chuckled and smiled to break the tension, and the idea of breaking his jaw suddenly appealed to the younger woman. "And we've all been so busy trying to…" His voice trailed off, so Snow picked it up with a cracking in her tone.

"Find my daughter?"

"Of course." Robin grew very solemn at that, so Snow tried to shake her growing emotion away and forced a smile.

"I'm so happy for you two."

His expression didn't break.

"Snow…" Regina warned, still looking down with a tense jaw.

"Have you set a date?"

"Snow." She repeated, louder.

"What?" The other woman snapped, definitely hearing the abrasiveness in her voice now. Her volume sounding so much louder in this silent room, finally looking at Regina, and now the mayor was looking back.

Seeing the position that Snow had placed herself in, everyone looking concerned and confused, all focused on her outbursts. She felt ten years old all over again, and her step mother's presence wasn't helping. It made her excuse herself and leave the room.

Snow wanted to be angry, angry about the whole thing, at the _audacity_ —but her emotions were vague and only came from pain, so it left her hurt and dejected instead. Sulking and hiding out in Regina's kitchen, until the woman that was on her mind constantly, strolled in a few minutes later. Taking her time to wander into her own kitchen, stopping at the bowl of fresh apples that she must pick daily. They were bright and red, and Regina's ring glittered in the light when she picked one up.

"Apple?" She asked with a smirk, tossing it at the younger woman who of course caught it easily. The older woman's features were clear of any earlier upset, and Snow's eyes narrowed suspiciously, looking down at the apple.

"Hardy-har." Snow responded sarcastically.

"Those used to be your favorite."

"They used to not be poisoned."

Regina was moving closer to the princess, Snow's eyes catching on the purposeful sway of her hips. It was working to distract her from everything else wrong with the world, just as it always did.

"This one is curse free." That seductive tone flirting in the older woman's voice causing butterflies to settle in her stomach.

"I don't believe you." She said quietly, because Regina was in front of her now, close and watching her thoughtfully.

"You'll eat it regardless."

Suddenly something washed over Snow at the blatant honesty of her words. The terrible truth of it. So before she could stop herself;

"I love you."

Regina reacted the same way as the last and only time Snow told her she loved her. When she was thirteen and the naive girl thought she loved everyone—that everyone had kindness in them, and nothing bad ever happened to the undeserving. The still new queen only blinked a few times in response to such an innocent confession. She swallowed hard, but never said it back. Snow never told her again after that.

And she was regretting that she said it now, what with the way Regina acted the same way. Blinking and swallowing and not saying it back. Finally the older woman looked down at the apple in Snow's hand, saying quietly.

"Prove it. Take a bite."

She did, without another hesitation, green eyes latching onto brown and not wavering for a moment. A full story book's worth of emotion played out between their two stoic faces while her teeth sunk into the fruit. The princess remembered this like it was yesterday. She remembered the exact moment she felt the poison slide down her throat, mixed with the sweet juice of the apple.

So she waited. Expecting the same, no matter how much either one of them has grown. Regina waited too, because it was just their luck that she would find the only poisoned apple left in all the realms.

After a few moments though, nothing happened, and they both felt a little silly for waiting. Snow started to chew the piece in her mouth, and Regina almost started to smile. Instead the mayor decided to kiss her, soft but firm and sure—definite. The fruit's taste mixing between their mouths.

"I love you too." She whispered against parted lips.

\\\\\

Snow was full of self-loathing and misplaced anger one night. They hadn't even started yet, because Snow was pacing the room at the Inn, brushing off any time Regina tried to reach out to her, or ask her what was wrong. So they spent a while just in opposite corners, like fighters waiting for the bell to ring.

And it wasn't that Snow was jealous, because she wasn't. It wasn't the fact that the whole town found Regina's wedding a delightful distraction from the dreary mood that was settled on Storybrooke. It wasn't the fact that everyone seemed to care more about Regina's wedding than they ever did about finding Emma. It wasn't even that Regina was just so popular and she and Robin were gracing the cover of the Mirror as the 'couple who beat all odds'.

It wasn't any of that.

It was the fact that Regina looked so damned miserable through all of it.

So ungrateful.

Snow was festering because of it.

"I don't think you want to be happy." The younger woman announced, voice sharp and ready to fight. Regina barely reacted, sitting in one of the chairs by the bed, regal and unbothered. Apparently already knowing why the princess was upset. "You ruin any chance you have, every chance you get."

"Do not psychoanalyze me." There was a calm but dangerous warning in her tone, one which Snow ignored.

"Once all the obstacles fall away, when it's just you and him." The older woman rolled her eyes and looked away at the persistence of this conversation. "You do anything you can to ruin it—to destroy your happiness." Like them kissing in her kitchen when both their partners were only a room away. Like meeting her so often, practically daring someone to find out. Like a few days ago when Regina was frustrated and Snow was arguing about budget cuts in the mayor's office, so they just ended up having sex on her desk on top of the budget report and bridal magazines, because it was easier than being people who actually dealt with their responsibilities.

"Being with you has nothing to do with Robin." Regina snapped, but also implored, really believing what she was saying as she stood up and took a few steps towards the younger woman.

"Being with me has a lot to do with a lot of things, but there's a reason why it's only happening now. At _this_ point in time."

The mayor pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance.

"Just, stop." She whispered, but everything that Snow was holding in—all her suspicions and all the things that were eating away at her—just started to tumble out.

"When did he ask to marry you? The night you kissed me?"

The other woman's sight snapped to Snow's like a whip. With angry and caught eyes. Probably wondering how Snow knew.

"You love to focus on me, don't you?" Regina said finally, voice far too defensive. "All this being _my_ fault—just like always. But you kissed me first, so why don't you tell _me_ why?"

Snow wrapped her arms around herself and turned away from the former queen. Feeling too much to keep looking at those excusing brown eyes.

"I kissed you the same night I lost hope that I'd ever find Emma…" So they were both guilty, both hurting and needing to cause the other one pain. "I was broken, and never have I been more attractive to you."

Once that was said, she heard the door to their room open and slam shut, leaving Snow alone.

\\\\\

The next time Snow sent the text to Regina to meet her, she got no response, so she was surprised when the regal woman showed up at their room. Cautiously opening the door, maybe wondering if it was a trap, if a lamp was about to be hurled her way. Still she came though, saw Snow laying on the bed fully clothed, and still she shut the door behind her, taking off her jacket and walking to the bed.

Snow was looking up at her, looking young and vulnerable. The other woman knew that look. It was about two looks away from tears, so they didn't say anything. Regina took her shoes off and her blazer, laying on the bed next to her. It took the former queen aback, when Snow immediately curled up against her, cuddled like Regina was a stuffed animal, or—…or someone that ever cuddled. Which she was not. Aside from holding each other through the aftershocks of orgasms—they never did this, and it was awkward at first, Regina trying to figure what angle her arm should be at as it wrapped around Snow's shoulders.

It was awkward at first, and then it wasn't. Then it fit. In an odd sort of way, but a fit none the less.

They stayed like that for the hour they had, and when Regina left she gave a kiss to Snow's forehead and snuck out from underneath her sleeping form.

\\\\\

Their disaster of an affair—their train wreck—it had no crash.

No epic battle or war, no hidden lovers being exposed, nothing like what had littered their past before. Maybe that was the difference now that they had no author. Maybe things just ended because they couldn't last. In a boring, dull and numb sort of way.

Because they loved each other—finally there was real love between them—but they weren't good at loving each other. They were only good at hurting each other.

And Regina leaving because Snow simply asked her to, both of them unsatisfied just as people always are.

Well, it hurt more that way, didn't it?

\\\\\

"So are you going to be my bride's maid, or not?" Regina asked flippantly without making eye contact, breaking a long silence while they were researching in the library. They started as a group, and now it was just them, but neither Regina or Snow seemed to mind. It had been a month since the last time they met at the Inn, and since then both their mentalities had been better. Snow was finding hope again in her search for Emma, and finding distraction in raising Neal. Regina dived head first into her wedding. The date was set, and it wasn't far off.

This was the first mention the mayor made to Snow about the wedding though. And it was far too late for her to be asking the younger woman to take on such a responsibility.

"Did the Blue Fairy say no?" She asked with a smirk, and Regina rolled her eyes and shut the book she was reading, turning to sit on the edge of the table that they were reading at. Snow was over by one of the nearby stacks, watching the former queen with a curious eye. "You know there's a reason this library has chairs." The princess's voice was a bit more breathless than she hoped for, watching Regina cross her legs and lean back on her hands a bit. Her eye brow raised.

"We were talking about my wedding, dear." Regina spoke, knowing where Snow's mind was going. They still flirted sometimes, like ex-lovers did. And sometimes it wasn't innocent in its intent. But they survived each encounter unscathed, going back to their respectful corners. Like fighters waiting for the bell to ring.

"Surely you have someone else you can ask?" She sighed, because it was nothing but a bad idea, it was nothing she wanted to put herself through. "Belle? Or maybe Katherine—"

"I'm asking you." She said quite seriously, causing a pause to settle between them, until Snow broke it with a sigh, taking a few steps closer to her. When she did, Regina uncrossed her legs, and Snow noticed.

"Do you know what kinds of responsibilities I'd have to take on as your bride's maid?" She complained regardless. "It's not like when I was a kid and we had servants who did everything."

Regina rolled her eyes.

"You certainly are whining like a child."

"I'll still come to your wedding…" As unappealing as just that sounded, but still she really didn't have much of a choice. "It'll look bad if I didn't." She finished with a mumble.

"I want you to be _in_ the wedding." She insisted, and this time Snow rolled her eyes.

"Why?"

"Because I'm bored." She finally admitted, exasperated, and it took Snow aback slightly. "I'm bored, and I miss you…and I'm not married yet." That sentence ended with a suggestion that wasn't hidden at all, making the younger woman's face flush. Her eyes trying to avoid the piercing brown, but all they did was catch on Regina's thighs that were wrapped in a short black dress. Snow just now realized that the other woman was dressed up a little too much for simple library researching. Her perfume a little stronger, her outfit a little more revealing. Regina planned this, and Snow felt a little dumb for not realizing it sooner.

"I am married though, Regina." She argued quietly, eyes still on her legs, taking another step closer and seeing her spread her knees apart just a little more.

"Robin and I got a suite for our wedding night, at the Inn." Now her voice was dripping in seduction, now that the princess caught up with her implication. It made Snow almost dizzy on her feet, so she closed her eyes. "And I'll be staying there the night before we say our vows."

Snow took in a deep breath and then looked at the former queen and current cause for her rapid heartbeat. She took the remaining steps left between the two of them, and Regina opened her legs for her, fitting them together like jagged ripped puzzle pieces you had to punch and force to fit. It still fit though.

"Bad idea." The younger woman warned, or announced, or might as well have said it to a brick wall, because Regina didn't seem to care, sliding her hips to the edge of the table, and bringing their bodies closer together.

"I'm not known for much else."

"I get to be with you right before watching you swear loyalty to him forever? Why would I do that to myself?" Snow whispered, as her fingers traced the contours of her outer thighs, reveling in the feel of the nylon, and moving under the hem of the dress, because Regina wasn't stopping her.

"Because you love me, and you know I love you." Their eyes met then, reading each other and finding the same thing written on both expressions. Regina moved her hands up the front of her blouse and then around the back of her neck. Fingers in her short hair. "Because it hurts more this way, doesn't it?" Then they kissed.

New ways to hurt themselves.


End file.
